Are There Good Concertina Jokes Out There

[Tina]

This is not just out of respectlessness.

 

I remember I heard some a long time ago, which is too long ago now.

 

At least complete forgetting of things seems to pretty well keep balance with keeping in mind that things become completely forgotten.

 

May you always hit the right button!

[stuart estell]

May you always hit the right button!

Well, it takes a little translation from buttons to strings, but I'm sure that most of the standard viola-player jokes can be adapted to suit almost any instrument

[Guest Peter Laban]

It's usually said it's wiser not to make a mountain out of a Noel Hill.

[Alan Day]

"Hallo Fred"

"Hallo Joe I havn`t seen you in years what have you been up to".

"Well since I last saw you I was playing my concertina in a bar in London and I was invited by one of the audience to play at a concert he was organising.I did so well I was invited on a World tour.

"Did you Joe,I never heard about that.

"Yes and I finished up in America and did a few concerts and was asked to do a film".

Did you Joe ?I never heard about that".

" Yes and I started to write my own tunes and one was picked up by a Rock Group and sold millions."

"Well I never, I never heard about that".

"Do you know what though after all that success, I came back here last week and went to the local Folk Club and was asked up to play and I made a right dogs dinner of it ,I did not play at all well".

"Yes I heard about that "!!!

Al

[Peter Stephenson]

Chris Sherburn of Last night's fun told an audiance that the worlds worst chat-up line is "Hi I'm Chris, I'm a concertina player"...

Edited September 20, 2004 by Peter Stephenson

[Peter Brook]

well here goes....all very old... and usual insulting british humour

 

Do you know the perfect pitch for a banjo/violin/guitar*? (*change instrument to address particular audience)

 

alternative punchlines..

A: Well why don't you play it like that then

B: Throwing it from here into the nearest skip

 

 

(Usually to bodhran player) We've saved you a seat right in the centre of the session ......... on the fire.

 

Did you hear that they've developed a new bodhran technique - using two stanley knives tied together - gives just the right tone.

Edited September 20, 2004 by Peter Brook

[JimLucas]

It's usually said it's wiser not to make a mountain out of a Noel Hill.

If you're just a beginner, that might seem like one of the Mountains of Mourn.

[JimLucas]

Are There Good Concertina Jokes Out There, ...

Y'mean like:

 

Did you hear that Colin Dipper is now sending telegrams to tell his customers when their instruments are ready, because he saw an advert on Concertina.net that said the concertina wire was more secure? The Button Box is doing the same, but their's is a case of nepotism: they heard that Western Union uses Morse code.

 

What's the difference between old pitch and new pitch?

Sometimes the new pitch is still sticky.

 

Some of the low notes on my concertina sound rough and growly. What should I do?

Have it retuned to an even temperament

 

He refuses to play anywhere except in that little hut up on the mountain. Claims his concertina is a hermit Crabb.

 

...maybe even Noel Hill jokes ?

That's where the shepherds were when the angel came down to tell them about "the borthday party in the byre behind the pub in Bethlehem", no?

 

Then there's the story that when Noel was asked his opinion of another Irish concertina player, he said, "Well, he's not bad on the bodhran."

 

And there are old standards:

"What's the difference between a concertina and a '57 Chevy?"

"You can tune a '57 Chevy!"

 

"What's the difference between a concertina and an onion?"

"Nobody cries when you slice up a concertina, and the onion doesn't have the grooves to make slicing easier."

 

"What do you call a professional concertina player without a spouse?"

"Homeless."

 

"Why do concertina players always have a blank stare when they're playing?"

"So you can tell what they're thinking."

 

... Etc.

[stuart estell]

Home-grown jokes are probably a mistake, but following on from Jim:

 

How many anglo players does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two: one to go on at length about a really nice lightbulb he saw somewhere else, and one to complain that the step-ladders don't work the same way as the ones he has at home...

[JimLucas]

How many anglo players does it take to change a light-bulb?

And what sort of lightbulb do they use?

Well, the quality of the new ones just doesn't compare with the "vintage" variety, so if they can afford it, they buy an old bulb (on eBay?) and have it "restored".

 

(Should I start threads in the Construction/Repair subForum on how to wind your own filament and evacuate a glass bulb? )

[stuart estell]

Well, the quality of the new ones just doesn't compare with the "vintage" variety, so if they can afford it, they buy an old bulb (on eBay?) and have it "restored".

Meanwhile, the duet players are busy changing two lightbulbs at once.

[Robin Madge]

I always thought that you needed an extra concertina player when changing a light bulb - to complain that it was electric.

 

Robin Madge

[Tina]

ah no you need ten ... one changes the light bulb while the others discuss how Noel Hill would have done it.

 

Waiting on your new thread Jim !

[JimLucas]

Meanwhile, the duet players are busy changing two lightbulbs at once.

And "English" players can only change bulbs with clip-in sockets, since threads that alternate right and left can't be screwed in either way.

[JimLucas]

Waiting on your new thread Jim !

I said "threads", not "thread".

I'm currently waiting on my tailor. (No, not you, Jonathan!)

[geoffwright]

I beg to differ - Anglo players can change any lightbulb from three, at the same time, in either direction.

[Peter Brook]

well I've just stolen all of these!

 

What's the difference between a concertina and a chain saw?

.....The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

 

What's the difference between a concertina and a cattle grid?

.....People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.

 

If you drop a concertina, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?

.....Who cares?

 

What's the difference between an Uzi and a concertina?

.....The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

 

What do you call ten concertinas at the bottom of the ocean?

.....A good start.

 

Others

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

.....To get away from the noise.

 

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?

.....A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

 

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?

.....The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

 

How to get Blood off Your Melodeon

Option 1

Pour any inflammable spirit onto the instrument. Don't worry if any spills beyond the area of the stain, this won't affect the end result. Now set light to it. (Please note this is best done in an open space when there's no one around who might get injured - at least no one we care about - A town square during a morris dance display is ideal)

Option 2

Using a drill bit at least half the size again as the stain, drill out the marked area. Don't worry,this will not adversely affect the sound of the instrument. Quite the contrary.

Option 3

Attach sandpaper to the head of an industrial weight sledgehammer. The grade of sandpaper used is irrelevant (don't kid yourself we're going to do any sanding here, its just to fool the idiot who owns the melodeon.) Now let the hammer head fall onto the marked area from as great a height as you please. Repeat this until the mark (or the instrument) is completely gone.

 

Build Your Own Melodeon

A do-it-yourself guide

First take two bits of wood. Stick one of them to one side of a chunk of foam. Stick the other bit of wood to the other side of the foam. Paint the wood (not the foam). When the paint dries, stick buttons to the wooden ends.

 

Test your melodeon carefully by squeezing it and pressing the buttons at the same time. It won’t sound good, but much better than the real thing.

[Steven]

Since we've strayed a bit into more general musician jokes....

 

First, some context. My cousin was marrying a guy who played guitar in a band. On their wedding day, he told this joke to my uncle (his new father-in-law). My uncle was not very amused.

 

So, what's the difference between a musician and a pepperoni pizza?

 

The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

Steven