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English Translation


mber

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Hello all musicians out there.

From time to time I'm making some English translations of Russian poetry and this time too.

I made a translation from poem of Afanasy Fet, "The Evening".

This poem was put to music by Russian composer Taneyev.

My translation follows the rhythmic pattern to fit the music.

Please visit this two pages: page 1 and page 2 and feel free to offer any critique regarding the construction of Enlgish phrases.

Those of you who like (and can make sense of) the music feel free to play and sing it. If you want, I can give you a link to full piano accompaniment to the voice line. (Keep in mind though that this accompaniment is complex and probably will not fall easily to Duet.)

Below please find the lyrics without the melody.

 

All is calm, my friend

Let's step into the shade

All is calm

And only stars are looking down.

But even they can't see us deep beneath the leaves

And can't hear us. None, except the Nightingale.

Though he's too, is busy, singing through the night

Only heart and hand are quiet and aware.

Hears my heart, in Awe, how much of earthly joy,

How much happiness we brought with us in here

Feels my hand, in Awe, and tells my trembling heart

That another hand it holds, is burning hot

That this burning radiates into my hand

That her head is getting closer to my head

 

My melody line has slightly different lyrics though.

Can't wait for your feedback.

Thanks.

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This'll be topical as soon as somebody plays it on a concertina. Meanwhile...

 

feel free to offer any critique regarding the construction of Enlgish phrases.

 

I'm hesitant to critique a translation without the original in front of me, and the only "Evening" I can find by Afanasiy Fet is "Прозвучало над ясной рекою, // Прозвенело в померкшем лугу" etc., which is obviously not right.

 

I will come out and say that "he's too, is busy" is quite grammatically rough. Perhaps you meant "he, too, is busy".

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This'll be topical as soon as somebody plays it on a concertina. Meanwhile...

 

feel free to offer any critique regarding the construction of Enlgish phrases.

 

I'm hesitant to critique a translation without the original in front of me, and the only "Evening" I can find by Afanasiy Fet is "Прозвучало над ясной рекою, // Прозвенело в померкшем лугу" etc., which is obviously not right.

 

I will come out and say that "he's too, is busy" is quite grammatically rough. Perhaps you meant "he, too, is busy".

 

Oh yes. It's a typo. Of course it should be "He, too, is busy". Thanks for pointing out.

Fet's poem is called "Люди спят", which is "People are asleep". But it is commonly called "The Evening", esp. the musical piece.

My question is less of the precision of the translation, but more of it's musicality, correct language without any jarring "Un-englishisms" and how well it falls on the melody.

Thanks.

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Those of you who like (and can make sense of) the music feel free to play and sing it. If you want, I can give you a link to full piano accompaniment to the voice line. (Keep in mind though that this accompaniment is complex and probably will not fall easily to Duet.)

 

I would like to know the link to the piano accompaniment. Thank you

Pauline

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It seems like very good idiomatic English to me. Impressive even. I wish I could write a foreign language like that.

 

I wouldn't mind seeing the accompaniment either, out of curiosity...

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My question is less of the precision of the translation, but more of it's musicality, correct language without any jarring "Un-englishisms" and how well it falls on the melody.

 

All right. I'll tell you what grates, and let you worry about trying to smooth it out.

 

6. You've used "None" to mean no-one or nobody. You can do that, and it makes sense, but it's stylistically jarring here-- it requires a high literary tone inconsistent with your use of contractions elsewhere.

 

9. "Hears my heart" is weird. You can't put your verb in the first position without a good reason, or at least an excuse. Anyone hearing this sung is going to hear "here's my heart". I guarantee it.

 

9. You can probably uncapitalize "Awe" here and below. Not that it's a big deal.

 

9. The word "of" here strikes me as not entirely usual. I do know people who talk like that, though. So it might be fine, if you need it for the rhythm.

 

9. I would only use "how much" like this in an initial position. Otherwise, I recommend "so much". Or maybe "such", if you think it ends up working better.

 

10. "Brought with us in here" loses your point in a tangle of tiny words that don't mesh particularly well.

 

11. "Feels my hand" as "hears my heart" above.

 

12. Line twelve is a mess. I'm not really sure where to start with that, so I'll just break with form and suggest an alternative that sidesteps most of the mess. Can you make it work as something like "That it holds another('s?) burning, trembling hand"?

 

13. Having "my hand" as both the subject of the sentence and the object of this clause... seems like a little much.

 

14. These last two lines have definitely lost that lovin' feelin'. Not that they're particularly ungrammatical... but if you're hoping for a kiss at the end, you might be disappointed. =)

 

I haven't tried it against the melody yet, so I don't know how well it meshes there.

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Oh, and Dirge is right-- translating poetry into a foreign language is a beastly task, and this is something you should be proud of. My critique has all the strictness I would have applied to something written without the musical and linguistic constraints under which you are operating, because you've earned it!

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Dirch and Ransom, thanks a lot.

Whoo-hoo, I need to get back to work.

I had a suspicion that "Another hand it holds is burning hot" is off.

Darn, it falls so well into the rhythm and is very close to the original.

"head is closing nearer..." is not for a kiss, but I agree, poetry is lost there amids floating heads. There is a singing star coming to San Francisco, who is going to sing in Russian and a friend of mine is going to present my translation to above mentioned star very soon.

Ouchy-ouchy. Many very good points. I knew I can count on C.net folks.

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OK.

Some reworked version:

 

All is calm,

My friend,

Let's step into the shade

All is calm.

And only stars are looking down

Even they can't see us deep beneath the leaves

And can't hear us -

- None, except

the Nightingale

Though he, too,

Is busy trilling through

The night

Only Hearts and

Hands are quiet

And aware

Heart is still

And filled

With feast of earthly joy

From such happiness

We brought with us in here

Hand is still

And feels

And whispers to my heart

That it holds another hand that's burning hot

That this burning

Radiates in-

-to my hand

That our shoulders

Are closing

Seeking to

Adjoin.

 

Please, look at the printed music version (in your spare time, of course), because without it translation may be less reasonable.

Thanks.

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Please, look at the printed music version (in your spare time, of course), because without it translation may be less reasonable.

 

I've looked at it, but I haven't tried to play it. If I did consider the sound of the music, it would only be to say where the rhythm and emphasis falls unnaturally in the lyrics. I would never consider the translation more reasonable for having heard the music.

 

I see you've adjusted "That it holds another hand that's burning hot", and the new way is much better. I still like my way the best, though. For one thing, "burning hot" is about five times less romantic than just "burning". For another thing, you've only conveyed пылает from the original-- there's no reason to throw out "и дрожит" if you don't have to, right? Also, I looked at the music and I like mine just as well or better with the phrasing. So there. =)

 

The biggest lump in the new version is "Heart is still / And filled / With feast of earthly joy // From such happiness / We brought with us in here". The problem is that "such happiness" is torn between "from" and "brought". Just as in Russian one couldn't say "сердце полно от скольлко счастия мы принесли сюда". To fix it, join it to one side or the other, as "from such happiness as we brought with us in here", or "от того, скольлко счастия мы принесли сюда". Which of course will wreck your rhythm and make you rewrite both lines. Сочувствую. =)

 

If you fix that, it's probably fit for public consumption. The quirks that remain will be ones that you have chosen deliberately, with an understanding of their relative advantages and disadvantages.

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Hi.

Of course to truly translate a poetry, one has to be a poet.

Plus one has to be a native speaker of the recipient Language, no less.

There are some astounding translations of Russian poetry, to which I'm no match.

Like this excerpt of famous Eugene Onegin -

 

My uncle always was respected;

But his grave illness, I confess,

Is more than could have been expected:

A stroke of genious, nothing less.

He offers all a grand example;

But, God, such boredom who would sample?-

Daylong, nightlong, thus to be bid

To sit beside an invalid!

Low cunning must assist devotion

To one who is but half-alive:

You smooth his pillow and contrive

Amusement while you mix his potion;

You sigh, and think with furrowed brow-

"Why can't the devil take you now?"

 

 

Now, having outlined my humble place under the Sun, please take a moment to review my another attempt to smooth my translation.

(When I talk about music, it's because it's an "art music", and it takes an effort to put words into musical phrases. So the poem becomes difficult to read as such, it has to be sung. Then calamity of small bumping words like: "we brought with us in here" becomes understood")

 

All is calm,

My friend,

Let's step into the shade

All is calm.

And only stars are looking down

Even they can't see us deep beneath the leaves

And can't hear us -

- None, except

the Nightingale

Though he, too,

Is busy trilling Through

The night

Only Hearts and

Hands are quiet

And aware

Heart is still

and filled

with feast of earthly joy

from the happiness

we brought with us in here

Hand is still

And feels

and whispers to my heart

That it holds another burning, trembling hand

That this burning

Radiates in-

-to my hand

That our shoulders

Are closing

Seeking to

adjoin

 

 

I can't even imagine the Hercules' task of rhyming the lines, esp. cross-rhyming. Screw that.

Edited by mber
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All is calm,

My friend,

Let's step into the shade

All is calm.

And only stars are looking down

Even they can't see us deep beneath the leaves

And can't hear us -

- None, except

the Nightingale

Though he, too,

Is busy trilling Through

The night

Only Hearts and

Hands are quiet

And aware

Heart is still

and filled

with feast of earthly joy

from the happiness

we brought with us in here

Hand is still

And feels

and whispers to my heart

That it holds another burning, trembling hand

That this burning

Radiates in-

-to my hand

That our shoulders

Are closing

Seeking to

adjoin

 

 

Афанасий Фет

 

 

Антология русской поэзии

 

Люди спят; мой друг, пойдем в тенистый сад.

Люди спят; одни лишь звезды к нам глядят.

Да и те не видят нас среди ветвей

И не слышат - слышит только соловей...

Да и тот не слышит,- песнь его громка;

Разве слышат только сердце и рука:

Слышит сердце, сколько радостей земли,

Сколько счастия сюда мы принесли;

Да рука, услыша, сердцу говорит,

Что чужая в ней пылает и дрожит,

Что и ей от этой дрожи горячо,

Что к плечу невольно клонится плечо...

 

Yes it is hard work so for trying bravo molodetz!

 

"You say:Of course to truly translate a poetry,..."

**

Well: you might take courage insofar as the answer is often to turn it into an almost new poem in the target language, without losing the meaning; and rhyming can come with that; and the rhyme and the lilt (metre) can give the clue to the melody to be written to accompany the words. It might well work in German lied style (but in English, if you see!)

 

In fact the melody of Moscow Nights might well be a candidate for your 'new' English version. It has the darkness and the wide skies.....

 

Sometimes the original word's meaning gives the clue/

You talk of stepping "into the shade" but I would suggest that means out of the heat of the sun which is not really right here.

 

The 'direct' translation suggests walking away from the house where everyone is fast asleep, and into and among the deep shadows of the garden, shadows caused by the tree branches playing with the moonlight and the stars glinting through etc.

 

See if you can fit a translation to Moscow Nights then - and then we can play it on concertina (or someone good like Dirge or one of the Chrises can!)

No concertina for Moscow Nights but praps this will give a hint at what

Here's thinking/listening about Moscow Nights

 

 

or Search here for how Alan Day's Midnight Hop conjures up the night (tho that particular tune is a little fast for this poem which is not about dancing around the garden, more swooning and spooning I believe).

Alan's Midnight Hop has disaappeared from here and should be on Youtube but not popping up.

AL??

 

PS - see how Rothery "translates" Dove sei amato from Rodelinda by Handel into

Art though troubled, music will calm thee

 

http://www.concertina.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=11586&st=36

Edited by Kautilya
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Your note about the shade is valuable. I will have to take creative licence here, as Fet's poetry, to me, is full of not so very poetic expressions. I guess he was experimenting, like in this case with his "hand hears, stars don't hear us, only hears us Nightingale, but he, too, doesn't hear us, only hearing is my hand and heart..." etc. Quite jarring, to my ears.

Not sure what connection Moscow nights have to this piece of Taneyev's exclusive (therefore, by Tolstoy, "anti-christian") artistry.

I have lost a link to full accompaniment, it'll take me some time. May be some computer geeks here can find it?

It's Taneyev, opus 17, I believe. It's called "People are Asleep" or in Russian: "Люди спят".

By the way, by "People" Fet probably meant estate servants.

I changed lyrics and put them to the score again.

Right here

Edited by mber
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Not sure what connection Moscow nights....

Listen to the melody not words and think:

 

 

While they deep sleep, we hideglide hidden as one,

through dark-dappled garden,

faces moon-hidden but starflashed

and night songbird trills our hearing,

hearts in hands held,

full quiet stilled, deepjoy happiness

and earth sprung of heart on heart

etc

 

Which naturally takes you to Gerard Manley-Hopkins' The Windhover, but now put it to music............ :D :D

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While they deep sleep, we hideglide hidden as one,

through dark-dappled garden,

faces moon-hidden but starflashed

and night songbird trills our hearing,

hearts in hands held,

full quiet stilled, deepjoy happiness

and earth sprung of heart on heart

 

Ah boy, it's a good one.

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See if you can fit a translation to Moscow Nights then - and then we can play it on concertina (or someone good like Dirge or one of the Chrises can!)

No concertina for Moscow Nights but praps this will give a hint at what

Here's thinking/listening about Moscow Nights

 

 

 

http://www.concertina.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=11586&st=36

It's a great tune and there's a David Cornell arrangement for duet in his collection of music on the internet. I have to dissappoint you though; I've half learned it a couple of times then shoved it onto the back burner again. One day.

 

Love the way your Youtube man 'swings' it.

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See if you can fit a translation to Moscow Nights then - and then we can play it on concertina (or someone good like Dirge or one of the Chrises can!)

No concertina for Moscow Nights but praps this will give a hint at what

Here's thinking/listening about Moscow Nights

 

 

 

http://www.concertina.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=11586&st=36

It's a great tune and there's a David Cornell arrangement for duet in his collection of music on the internet. I have to dissappoint you though; I've half learned it a couple of times then shoved it onto the back burner again. One day.

 

Love the way your Youtube man 'swings' it.

Come on Dirge! Turn up the gas burner so you can see to play it in the dark and give us a whirl!

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